I was curious to find out whether the items on the concept version of The Love Test would fall out into three dimensions: passion, intimacy, and commitment as Sternberg's theory predicts. In his 1988 The Psychology of Love book chapter entitled Triangulating Love, Sternberg defines intimacy as: Friendship type feelings of closeness, connectedness, and bondedness that create the experience of warmth in a loving relationship. These include:
a. desiring to promote the welfare of the loved one;
b. experiencing happiness with the loved one;
c. having high regard for the loved on;
d. being able to count on the loved one in times of need;
e. mutual understanding with the loved one;
f. sharing one's self and one's possessions with the loved one;
g. receiving emotional support from the loved one;
h. giving emotional support to the loved one;
i. having intimate communication with the loved one; and
j. valuing the loved one in one's life.
He defined Passion as: The drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation in a loving relationship that includes obsessing about the person, infatuation and high levels of mental and physical arousal. He indicates that sexual needs "form the main part" of passion, but that other needs such as self esteem, affiliation, dominance/submission, and self-actualization may also contribute to the experience of passion.
He defined commitment in terms of two aspects:
a. Short term - the decision that one loves someone; and
b. Long term - the commitment to maintain that love.
To find out whether the concept of love items would hang together into these three dimensions, I did some statistical transformations to make the data conform better to the assumptions required for exploratory factor analysis. I specified a 3 factor solution.
The first factor appears to be defined by a mix of items related to caregiving, interdependency and feeling secure in one's relationship.. Factor 1 accounts for 26.2% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Supportiveness, Caring, Sharing, Compassion, Kindness, Helping, Concern for each other's well being, Patience, Understanding, Wanting the best for each other, Comforting each other, Respect, Forgiveness, Responsibility, Commitment, Trust, Giving, Openness, Loyalty, Honesty, Devotion, Unconditional caring, Friendship, Willingness to sacrifice, Closeness, Interest in each other, A positive outlook, Security, Doing things for each other, Empathy, Being able to talk about anything, Contentment, Liking, Confidence that it will be long-lasting, Accepting each other as is, and Affection.
The second factor appears to be defined by a mix of items that reflect attachment, and generalized arousal. Factor 2 accounts for 6.3% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Thinking about each other all the time, Needing each other, Missing each other when apart, Gazing at each other, Increased heart rate, Butterflies in my stomach, Euphoria, Having wonderful feelings, Seeing only my partner's good qualities, Protectiveness, Putting the other person first, Scary feelings, Feeling attachment, Uncertainty, Excitement, Willingness to sacrifice, Wanting to be with each other, and Interdependency.
The third factor appears to be defined by items that reflect Sexual Attraction and arousal. Factor 2 accounts for 3.8% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Sexual passion, Feelings of Sex appeal, Physical attraction, Touching, Intimacy, Excitement, and Energy.
Data from The Love Test doesn't seem to fit Sternberg's model very well and is not consistent with Aron and Westlake's findings that supported the three dimensional model of passion, intimacy and commitment. You should note however, the methodologies were different. Aron and Westlake had people rate each descriptor in terms of how good of an example of love it was, whereas I asked "How important is item(i) in your view of love?". Perhaps the Aron and Westlake version captures an idealized version of love where our methodology taps into the importance of the various descriptors in people's working concepts of love. It should also be noted the Aron, Westlake study used college students whereas this study uses a self selected cross-cultural sample that includes broader age representation of people who have access to the net.
These data appear to be consistent with a model proposed by Bowlby who felt that attachment promoting behavior is innate and has the biological function of protecting the child from danger by increasing parental interest and proximity. He called these parental responses the caregiving system. This system includes behavior intended to keep the infant safe from harm. Later, after puberty another biological system kicks in and results in the urge to mate and procreate.
Note that I'm not well read on Bowlby, but data from the concept version of The Love Test seems to support the notion of a caregiving system as evidenced by the items that define factor 1 from the exploratory factor analysis. Caregiving should involve things like trust, supportiveness and compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and concern for the loved one's well being, along with commitment and devotion. Those pretty much describe caring parents and also pretty much describe the caring and nurturing behaviors necessary for sustaining a romantic relationship. This dimension also includes the warm emotions such as liking and affection. However, this factor does not contain the "hotter" emotions that would characterize the infant/caregiver type attachment system such as need for emotional/physical proximity, distress and autonomic arousal at separation, or euphoria and wonderful feelings in response to the caregiver. These "hotter" emotions, autonomic responses and preoccupation with maintaining emotional and/or physical proximity with partner loaded onto a separate factor. The third factor reflects sexual arousal and attraction along with autonomic arousal. This factor differentiates adult romantic love from child/caregiver love and is geared toward increasing the likelihood of mating and procreation.
After puberty our instincts spur us to go find a mate and procreate. It seems to me that the in the typical in-person courtship sequence, where two people meet and are attracted to each other, the first thing that is salient is the perceived attractiveness of the partner. At this point two systems kick in and produce sexual arousal and attraction along with the infatuation type of intense euphoric feelings which are very similar to those involved in infant/caregiver attachment. Our society generally labels this array of things as falling "in love" or being "in love" rather than calling it what it is-- an instinctual reaction to a potential mate that promotes the formation of a pair bond and encourages mating.
It should be noted that if our goal is to have a long term relationship, these initial mechanisms probably won't be adequate for achieving that goal as their primary purpose is to promote pair bonding long enough to get the offspring out of the stage of extreme dependency on the caregiver. After that initial "buzz" wears off, the other less hot emotions and caregiving type behaviors that generate warm feelings must be in place if the relationship is to sustain over time.
Other Analyses:
The three scales have adequate internal consistancy reliability
The scales are highly intercorrelated
The Love Test scales were strongly and consistently related to self reports of:
How much people say they love their partner;
How much people say they like their partner;
How much people say they lust after their partner;
How likely they think it is that they will still be together in 5 years; and
How satisfied they are with their relationship.
Descrepancies between what people think love should be and what they are experiencing were strongly and consistently related to self reports of:
How much people say they love their partner;
How much people say they like their partner;
How much people say they lust after their partner;
How likely they think it is that they will still be together in 5 years; and
How satisfied they are with their relationship.
Types of love
Love is an emotion that nearly everyone has experienced at some time in their life. One would think that with such a familiar concept, researchers would agree on what constitutes love and how to measure it. That has not been the case. Most research on love is based on a priori theoretical conceptualizations. It's quite possible that if a researcher starts out by defining love and then develops a measure to quantify that conceptualization, the results would tend to reflect this process. Some theories of Love
Attachment styles - We develop styles of love that are based on expectancies developed from childhood experiences with caregivers: Secure; Anxious/ambivalent; and Avoidant (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Shaver, Hazan and Bradshaw,1988).
Love Acts Behaviors are classified in terms of the functions they serve in facilitating reproduction. Four love tasks: 1) to attract a mate; 2) to retain the mate; 3) to reproduce; and 4) parental investment. (Buss, 1988; Swenson, 1972).
Love Styles Primary love styles: Eros - Love at first sight, based on physical attributes and is mostly physical arousal; Storge - loving affection that develops over time, is primarily affection and commitment; Ludos - a rover and collector of loves, very pluralistic. Secondary love styles: Mania - intense preoccupation with the loved one, intensly jealous and possessive, in need of constant reassurance of partner's love. Projects desired qualities on partner. Pragma - looking for a compatible partner; Agape - Selfless, caring without self interest. Lee, 1977; Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986;
Three dimensional view The experience of love is a function of levels of intimacy, commitment and passion (Sternberg, 1988). Descriptions of what these combinations of the various love dimensions should tend to be like can be found here.
Passionate and companionate love Passionate love is an intense state of longing for union with another. It has three components: 1) cognitive - intrusive preoccupation with the person, idealization of that person, and desire to know the person; 2) Emotional - Attraction/Sexual attraction, positive and negative feelings, longing for reciprocity, desire for union, physiological arousal; and 3) Behavioral - Actions to determine the other's feelings, studying the person, service to the person, maintaining physical closeness. Companionate love is the affection that we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined. (Hatfield; Berscheid and Walster, 1974).
This lack of a common definition of love has resulted in a hodgepodge of partially overlapping findings which are a function of the choice of measures to tap the construct based on the theoretical orientation of the researcher. Hendrick and Hendrick (1989) conducted an exploratory factor analysis of scores from various love measures in an attempt to identify the dimensions which underlie some common measures of love. They identified a five-dimensional orthogonal solution which consisted of passion, intimacy, anxious attachment, secure versus avoidant attachment, and practical/friendship love. The major problem with the Hendrick study is that the scales selected for inclusion impose structure on the concept. In order to understand what factors influence love, we must develop measures that adequately tap the construct and identify it's underlying dimensionality while limiting the effects of any a priori theoretical structure. Fehr (1988) argued that much of the confusion in trying to define love has arisen from the search for a classical definition which may not exist.
In recent years researchers have begun to adopt a prototype approach for the study of emotions using the hierarchical approach advocated by Rosch (1978). The hierarchy of emotional concepts can be classified into superordinate, basic, and subordinate levels. Shaver, Schwartz, Kirson, and O'Connor (1987) demonstrated that the most superordinate distinction of emotions in adults is between positive and negative emotions. At the next vertical level they identified six basic emotions: happiness, love, surprise, sadness, anger, and fear.
In 1988, Beverly Fehr used a different method of studying the concept of love. Rather than giving people questionnares based on someone's theory of love, Beverly Fehr asked people to describe love in their own words. She then broke these descriptions into their smallest conceptual pieces and put them in the fewest non-overlapping conceptual categories. She conducted six studies that demonstrated that love can be conceptualized using a prototype approach.
The Concept of Love
In a later set of studies she first had one group of people free list types of love. Then she had another group of people describe those types of love. The 9 descriptions which follow are the types of love in dating relationships. People tended to list the aspects that they considered to be most important first and less important aspects later in each description. You will notice that there is much similarity between the descriptions. I thought I would let you see the description first. The names for each type are at the bottom of each description. (Note: Theses are only the types that relate to non-family types of love.)
The Redemptive and Spousal Dimensions of Love
The author of the Letter to the Ephesians, as we have already seen, speaks of a "great mystery," linked to the primordial sacrament through the continuity of God's saving plan. He also referred to the "beginning," as Christ did in his conversation with the Pharisees (cf. Mt 19:8), quoting the same words: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gn 2:24). This "great mystery" is above all the mystery of the union of Christ with the Church, which the Apostle presents under the similitude of the unity of the spouses: "I mean it in reference to Christ and the Church" (Eph 5:32). We find ourselves in the domain of the great analogy in which marriage as a sacrament is presupposed on the one hand, and on the other hand, rediscovered. It is presupposed as the sacrament of the "beginning" of mankind united to the mystery of the creation. However, it is rediscovered as the fruit of the spousal love of Christ and of the Church linked with the mystery of the redemption.Address to spouses
2. The author of the Letter to the Ephesians, addressing spouses directly, exhorts them to mold their reciprocal relationship on the model of the spousal union of Christ and the Church. It can be said that—presupposing the sacramentality of marriage in its primordial significance—he orders them to learn anew this sacrament of the spousal unity of Christ and the Church: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her..." (cf. Eph 5:25-26). This invitation which the Apostle addressed to Christian spouses is fully motivated by the fact that through marriage as a sacrament, they participate in Christ's saving love, which is expressed at the same time as his spousal love for the Church. In the light of the Letter to the Ephesians—precisely through participation in this saving love of Christ—marriage as a sacrament of the human "beginning" is confirmed and at the same time renewed. It is the sacrament in which man and woman, called to become "one flesh," participate in God's own creative love. They participate in it both by the fact that, created in the image of God, they are called by reason of this image to a particular union (communio personarum), and because this same union has from the beginning been blessed with the blessing of fruitfulness (cf. Gn New depths of love
3. All this original and stable structure of marriage as a sacrament of the mystery of creation—according to the classic text of the Letter to the Ephesians (Eph 5:21-33)—is renewed in the mystery of the redemption, when that mystery assumes the aspect of the spousal love of the Church on the part of Christ. That original and stable form of marriage is renewed when the spouses receive it as a sacrament of the Church, drawing from the new depths of God's love for man. This love is revealed and opened with the mystery of the redemption, "when Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her to make her holy..." (Eph 5:25-26). That original and stable image of marriage as a sacrament is renewed when Christian spouses, conscious of the authentic profundity of the redemption of the body, are united "out of reverence for Christ" (Eph Fusing the dimensions
4. The Pauline image of marriage, inscribed in the "great mystery" of Christ and of the Church, brings together the redemptive dimension and the spousal dimension of love. In a certain sense it fuses these two dimensions into one. Christ has become the spouse of the Church. He has married the Church as a bride, because "He has given himself up for her" (Eph 5:25). Through marriage as a sacrament (as one of the sacraments of the Church) both these dimensions of love, the spousal and the redemptive, together with the grace of the sacrament, permeate the life of the spouses. The spousal significance of the body in its masculinity and femininity was manifested for the first time in the mystery of creation against the background of man's original innocence. This significance is linked in the image of the Letter to the Ephesians with the redemptive significance, and in this way it is confirmed and in a certain sense, "newly created."Understanding the link
5. This is important in regard to marriage and to the Christian vocation of husbands and wives. The text of the Letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33) is directly addressed to them and speaks especially to them. However, that linking of the spousal significance of the body with its redemptive significance is equally essential and valid for the understanding of man in general, for the fundamental problem of understanding him and for the self-comprehension of his being in the world. It is obvious that we cannot exclude from this problem the question on the meaning of being a body, on the sense of being, as a body, man and woman. These questions were posed for the first time in relation to the analysis of the human beginning, in the context of Genesis. In a certain sense, that very context demanded that they should be posed. It is equally demanded by the classic text of the Letter to the Ephesians. The great mystery of the union of Christ to the Church obliges us to link the spousal significance of the body with its redemptive significance. In this link the spouses find the answer to the question concerning the meaning of "being a body," and not only they, although this text of the Apostle's letter is addressed especially to them.Explains by analogy
6. The Pauline image of the great mystery of Christ and of the Church also spoke indirectly of celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. In this celibacy, both dimensions of love, the spousal and redemptive, are reciprocally united in a way different from that of marriage, according to diverse proportions. Is not perhaps that spousal love wherewith Christ "loved the Church"—his bride—"and gave himself up for her," at the same time the fullest incarnation of the ideal of celibacy for the kingdom of heaven (cf. Mt 19:12)? Is not support found precisely in this by all those—men and women—who, choosing the same ideal, desire to link the spousal dimension of love with the redemptive dimension according to the model of Christ himself? They wish to confirm with their life that the spousal significance of the body—of its masculinity and femininity—profoundly inscribed in the essential structure of the human person, has been opened in a new way on the part of Christ and with the example of his life, to the hope united to the redemption of the body. Thus, the grace of the mystery of the redemption bears fruit also—rather bears fruit in a special way—with the vocation to celibacy for the kingdom of heaven.7. The text of the Letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33) does not speak of it explicitly. It is addressed to spouses and constructed according to the image of marriage, which by analogy explains the union of Christ with the Church—a union in both redemptive and spousal love together. Is it not perhaps precisely this love which, as the living and vivifying expression of the mystery of the redemption, goes beyond the circle of the recipients of the letter circumscribed by the analogy of marriage? Does it not embrace every man and, in a certain sense, the whole of creation as indicated by the Pauline text on the redemption of the body in Romans (cf. Rom 8:23)? The great sacrament in this sense is a new sacrament of man in Christ and in the Church. It is the sacrament "of man and of the world," just as the creation of man, male and female, in the image of God, was the original sacrament of man and of the world. In this new sacrament of redemption marriage is organically inscribed, just as it was inscribed in the original sacrament of creation.Fulfillment of the kingdom
8. Man, who "from the beginning" is male and female, should seek the meaning of his existence and the meaning of his humanity by reaching out to the mystery of creation through the reality of redemption. There one finds also the essential answer to the question on the significance of the human body, and the significance of the masculinity and femininity of the human person. The union of Christ with the Church permits us to understand in what way the spousal significance of the body is completed with the redemptive significance, and this in the diverse ways of life and in diverse situations. It is not only in marriage or in continency (that is, virginity and celibacy), but also, for example, in the many forms of human suffering, indeed, in the very birth and death of man. By means of the great mystery which the Letter to the Ephesians treats of, by means of the new covenant of Christ with the Church, marriage is again inscribed in that "sacrament of man" which embraces the universe, in the sacrament of man and of the world which, thanks to the forces of the redemption of the body is modeled on the spousal love of Christ for the Church, to the measure of the definitive fulfillment of the kingdom of the Father.Marriage as a sacrament remains a living and vivifying part of this saving process
a. desiring to promote the welfare of the loved one;
b. experiencing happiness with the loved one;
c. having high regard for the loved on;
d. being able to count on the loved one in times of need;
e. mutual understanding with the loved one;
f. sharing one's self and one's possessions with the loved one;
g. receiving emotional support from the loved one;
h. giving emotional support to the loved one;
i. having intimate communication with the loved one; and
j. valuing the loved one in one's life.
He defined Passion as: The drives that lead to romance, physical attraction, sexual consummation in a loving relationship that includes obsessing about the person, infatuation and high levels of mental and physical arousal. He indicates that sexual needs "form the main part" of passion, but that other needs such as self esteem, affiliation, dominance/submission, and self-actualization may also contribute to the experience of passion.
He defined commitment in terms of two aspects:
a. Short term - the decision that one loves someone; and
b. Long term - the commitment to maintain that love.
To find out whether the concept of love items would hang together into these three dimensions, I did some statistical transformations to make the data conform better to the assumptions required for exploratory factor analysis. I specified a 3 factor solution.
The first factor appears to be defined by a mix of items related to caregiving, interdependency and feeling secure in one's relationship.. Factor 1 accounts for 26.2% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Supportiveness, Caring, Sharing, Compassion, Kindness, Helping, Concern for each other's well being, Patience, Understanding, Wanting the best for each other, Comforting each other, Respect, Forgiveness, Responsibility, Commitment, Trust, Giving, Openness, Loyalty, Honesty, Devotion, Unconditional caring, Friendship, Willingness to sacrifice, Closeness, Interest in each other, A positive outlook, Security, Doing things for each other, Empathy, Being able to talk about anything, Contentment, Liking, Confidence that it will be long-lasting, Accepting each other as is, and Affection.
The second factor appears to be defined by a mix of items that reflect attachment, and generalized arousal. Factor 2 accounts for 6.3% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Thinking about each other all the time, Needing each other, Missing each other when apart, Gazing at each other, Increased heart rate, Butterflies in my stomach, Euphoria, Having wonderful feelings, Seeing only my partner's good qualities, Protectiveness, Putting the other person first, Scary feelings, Feeling attachment, Uncertainty, Excitement, Willingness to sacrifice, Wanting to be with each other, and Interdependency.
The third factor appears to be defined by items that reflect Sexual Attraction and arousal. Factor 2 accounts for 3.8% of the variability of the individual items and is defined by the following items with factor loadings of .4 or higher:
Sexual passion, Feelings of Sex appeal, Physical attraction, Touching, Intimacy, Excitement, and Energy.
Data from The Love Test doesn't seem to fit Sternberg's model very well and is not consistent with Aron and Westlake's findings that supported the three dimensional model of passion, intimacy and commitment. You should note however, the methodologies were different. Aron and Westlake had people rate each descriptor in terms of how good of an example of love it was, whereas I asked "How important is item(i) in your view of love?". Perhaps the Aron and Westlake version captures an idealized version of love where our methodology taps into the importance of the various descriptors in people's working concepts of love. It should also be noted the Aron, Westlake study used college students whereas this study uses a self selected cross-cultural sample that includes broader age representation of people who have access to the net.
These data appear to be consistent with a model proposed by Bowlby who felt that attachment promoting behavior is innate and has the biological function of protecting the child from danger by increasing parental interest and proximity. He called these parental responses the caregiving system. This system includes behavior intended to keep the infant safe from harm. Later, after puberty another biological system kicks in and results in the urge to mate and procreate.
Note that I'm not well read on Bowlby, but data from the concept version of The Love Test seems to support the notion of a caregiving system as evidenced by the items that define factor 1 from the exploratory factor analysis. Caregiving should involve things like trust, supportiveness and compassion, kindness, forgiveness, and concern for the loved one's well being, along with commitment and devotion. Those pretty much describe caring parents and also pretty much describe the caring and nurturing behaviors necessary for sustaining a romantic relationship. This dimension also includes the warm emotions such as liking and affection. However, this factor does not contain the "hotter" emotions that would characterize the infant/caregiver type attachment system such as need for emotional/physical proximity, distress and autonomic arousal at separation, or euphoria and wonderful feelings in response to the caregiver. These "hotter" emotions, autonomic responses and preoccupation with maintaining emotional and/or physical proximity with partner loaded onto a separate factor. The third factor reflects sexual arousal and attraction along with autonomic arousal. This factor differentiates adult romantic love from child/caregiver love and is geared toward increasing the likelihood of mating and procreation.
After puberty our instincts spur us to go find a mate and procreate. It seems to me that the in the typical in-person courtship sequence, where two people meet and are attracted to each other, the first thing that is salient is the perceived attractiveness of the partner. At this point two systems kick in and produce sexual arousal and attraction along with the infatuation type of intense euphoric feelings which are very similar to those involved in infant/caregiver attachment. Our society generally labels this array of things as falling "in love" or being "in love" rather than calling it what it is-- an instinctual reaction to a potential mate that promotes the formation of a pair bond and encourages mating.
It should be noted that if our goal is to have a long term relationship, these initial mechanisms probably won't be adequate for achieving that goal as their primary purpose is to promote pair bonding long enough to get the offspring out of the stage of extreme dependency on the caregiver. After that initial "buzz" wears off, the other less hot emotions and caregiving type behaviors that generate warm feelings must be in place if the relationship is to sustain over time.
Other Analyses:
The three scales have adequate internal consistancy reliability
The scales are highly intercorrelated
The Love Test scales were strongly and consistently related to self reports of:
How much people say they love their partner;
How much people say they like their partner;
How much people say they lust after their partner;
How likely they think it is that they will still be together in 5 years; and
How satisfied they are with their relationship.
Descrepancies between what people think love should be and what they are experiencing were strongly and consistently related to self reports of:
How much people say they love their partner;
How much people say they like their partner;
How much people say they lust after their partner;
How likely they think it is that they will still be together in 5 years; and
How satisfied they are with their relationship.
Types of love
Love is an emotion that nearly everyone has experienced at some time in their life. One would think that with such a familiar concept, researchers would agree on what constitutes love and how to measure it. That has not been the case. Most research on love is based on a priori theoretical conceptualizations. It's quite possible that if a researcher starts out by defining love and then develops a measure to quantify that conceptualization, the results would tend to reflect this process. Some theories of Love
Attachment styles - We develop styles of love that are based on expectancies developed from childhood experiences with caregivers: Secure; Anxious/ambivalent; and Avoidant (Ainsworth, Blehar, Waters, & Wall, 1978; Hazan & Shaver, 1987; Shaver, Hazan and Bradshaw,1988).
Love Acts Behaviors are classified in terms of the functions they serve in facilitating reproduction. Four love tasks: 1) to attract a mate; 2) to retain the mate; 3) to reproduce; and 4) parental investment. (Buss, 1988; Swenson, 1972).
Love Styles Primary love styles: Eros - Love at first sight, based on physical attributes and is mostly physical arousal; Storge - loving affection that develops over time, is primarily affection and commitment; Ludos - a rover and collector of loves, very pluralistic. Secondary love styles: Mania - intense preoccupation with the loved one, intensly jealous and possessive, in need of constant reassurance of partner's love. Projects desired qualities on partner. Pragma - looking for a compatible partner; Agape - Selfless, caring without self interest. Lee, 1977; Hendrick & Hendrick, 1986;
Three dimensional view The experience of love is a function of levels of intimacy, commitment and passion (Sternberg, 1988). Descriptions of what these combinations of the various love dimensions should tend to be like can be found here.
Passionate and companionate love Passionate love is an intense state of longing for union with another. It has three components: 1) cognitive - intrusive preoccupation with the person, idealization of that person, and desire to know the person; 2) Emotional - Attraction/Sexual attraction, positive and negative feelings, longing for reciprocity, desire for union, physiological arousal; and 3) Behavioral - Actions to determine the other's feelings, studying the person, service to the person, maintaining physical closeness. Companionate love is the affection that we feel for those with whom our lives are deeply intertwined. (Hatfield; Berscheid and Walster, 1974).
This lack of a common definition of love has resulted in a hodgepodge of partially overlapping findings which are a function of the choice of measures to tap the construct based on the theoretical orientation of the researcher. Hendrick and Hendrick (1989) conducted an exploratory factor analysis of scores from various love measures in an attempt to identify the dimensions which underlie some common measures of love. They identified a five-dimensional orthogonal solution which consisted of passion, intimacy, anxious attachment, secure versus avoidant attachment, and practical/friendship love. The major problem with the Hendrick study is that the scales selected for inclusion impose structure on the concept. In order to understand what factors influence love, we must develop measures that adequately tap the construct and identify it's underlying dimensionality while limiting the effects of any a priori theoretical structure. Fehr (1988) argued that much of the confusion in trying to define love has arisen from the search for a classical definition which may not exist.
In recent years researchers have begun to adopt a prototype approach for the study of emotions using the hierarchical approach advocated by Rosch (1978). The hierarchy of emotional concepts can be classified into superordinate, basic, and subordinate levels. Shaver, Schwartz, Kirson, and O'Connor (1987) demonstrated that the most superordinate distinction of emotions in adults is between positive and negative emotions. At the next vertical level they identified six basic emotions: happiness, love, surprise, sadness, anger, and fear.
In 1988, Beverly Fehr used a different method of studying the concept of love. Rather than giving people questionnares based on someone's theory of love, Beverly Fehr asked people to describe love in their own words. She then broke these descriptions into their smallest conceptual pieces and put them in the fewest non-overlapping conceptual categories. She conducted six studies that demonstrated that love can be conceptualized using a prototype approach.
The Concept of Love
In a later set of studies she first had one group of people free list types of love. Then she had another group of people describe those types of love. The 9 descriptions which follow are the types of love in dating relationships. People tended to list the aspects that they considered to be most important first and less important aspects later in each description. You will notice that there is much similarity between the descriptions. I thought I would let you see the description first. The names for each type are at the bottom of each description. (Note: Theses are only the types that relate to non-family types of love.)
The Redemptive and Spousal Dimensions of Love
The author of the Letter to the Ephesians, as we have already seen, speaks of a "great mystery," linked to the primordial sacrament through the continuity of God's saving plan. He also referred to the "beginning," as Christ did in his conversation with the Pharisees (cf. Mt 19:8), quoting the same words: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh" (Gn 2:24). This "great mystery" is above all the mystery of the union of Christ with the Church, which the Apostle presents under the similitude of the unity of the spouses: "I mean it in reference to Christ and the Church" (Eph 5:32). We find ourselves in the domain of the great analogy in which marriage as a sacrament is presupposed on the one hand, and on the other hand, rediscovered. It is presupposed as the sacrament of the "beginning" of mankind united to the mystery of the creation. However, it is rediscovered as the fruit of the spousal love of Christ and of the Church linked with the mystery of the redemption.Address to spouses
2. The author of the Letter to the Ephesians, addressing spouses directly, exhorts them to mold their reciprocal relationship on the model of the spousal union of Christ and the Church. It can be said that—presupposing the sacramentality of marriage in its primordial significance—he orders them to learn anew this sacrament of the spousal unity of Christ and the Church: "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her..." (cf. Eph 5:25-26). This invitation which the Apostle addressed to Christian spouses is fully motivated by the fact that through marriage as a sacrament, they participate in Christ's saving love, which is expressed at the same time as his spousal love for the Church. In the light of the Letter to the Ephesians—precisely through participation in this saving love of Christ—marriage as a sacrament of the human "beginning" is confirmed and at the same time renewed. It is the sacrament in which man and woman, called to become "one flesh," participate in God's own creative love. They participate in it both by the fact that, created in the image of God, they are called by reason of this image to a particular union (communio personarum), and because this same union has from the beginning been blessed with the blessing of fruitfulness (cf. Gn New depths of love
3. All this original and stable structure of marriage as a sacrament of the mystery of creation—according to the classic text of the Letter to the Ephesians (Eph 5:21-33)—is renewed in the mystery of the redemption, when that mystery assumes the aspect of the spousal love of the Church on the part of Christ. That original and stable form of marriage is renewed when the spouses receive it as a sacrament of the Church, drawing from the new depths of God's love for man. This love is revealed and opened with the mystery of the redemption, "when Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her to make her holy..." (Eph 5:25-26). That original and stable image of marriage as a sacrament is renewed when Christian spouses, conscious of the authentic profundity of the redemption of the body, are united "out of reverence for Christ" (Eph Fusing the dimensions
4. The Pauline image of marriage, inscribed in the "great mystery" of Christ and of the Church, brings together the redemptive dimension and the spousal dimension of love. In a certain sense it fuses these two dimensions into one. Christ has become the spouse of the Church. He has married the Church as a bride, because "He has given himself up for her" (Eph 5:25). Through marriage as a sacrament (as one of the sacraments of the Church) both these dimensions of love, the spousal and the redemptive, together with the grace of the sacrament, permeate the life of the spouses. The spousal significance of the body in its masculinity and femininity was manifested for the first time in the mystery of creation against the background of man's original innocence. This significance is linked in the image of the Letter to the Ephesians with the redemptive significance, and in this way it is confirmed and in a certain sense, "newly created."Understanding the link
5. This is important in regard to marriage and to the Christian vocation of husbands and wives. The text of the Letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33) is directly addressed to them and speaks especially to them. However, that linking of the spousal significance of the body with its redemptive significance is equally essential and valid for the understanding of man in general, for the fundamental problem of understanding him and for the self-comprehension of his being in the world. It is obvious that we cannot exclude from this problem the question on the meaning of being a body, on the sense of being, as a body, man and woman. These questions were posed for the first time in relation to the analysis of the human beginning, in the context of Genesis. In a certain sense, that very context demanded that they should be posed. It is equally demanded by the classic text of the Letter to the Ephesians. The great mystery of the union of Christ to the Church obliges us to link the spousal significance of the body with its redemptive significance. In this link the spouses find the answer to the question concerning the meaning of "being a body," and not only they, although this text of the Apostle's letter is addressed especially to them.Explains by analogy
6. The Pauline image of the great mystery of Christ and of the Church also spoke indirectly of celibacy for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. In this celibacy, both dimensions of love, the spousal and redemptive, are reciprocally united in a way different from that of marriage, according to diverse proportions. Is not perhaps that spousal love wherewith Christ "loved the Church"—his bride—"and gave himself up for her," at the same time the fullest incarnation of the ideal of celibacy for the kingdom of heaven (cf. Mt 19:12)? Is not support found precisely in this by all those—men and women—who, choosing the same ideal, desire to link the spousal dimension of love with the redemptive dimension according to the model of Christ himself? They wish to confirm with their life that the spousal significance of the body—of its masculinity and femininity—profoundly inscribed in the essential structure of the human person, has been opened in a new way on the part of Christ and with the example of his life, to the hope united to the redemption of the body. Thus, the grace of the mystery of the redemption bears fruit also—rather bears fruit in a special way—with the vocation to celibacy for the kingdom of heaven.7. The text of the Letter to the Ephesians (5:21-33) does not speak of it explicitly. It is addressed to spouses and constructed according to the image of marriage, which by analogy explains the union of Christ with the Church—a union in both redemptive and spousal love together. Is it not perhaps precisely this love which, as the living and vivifying expression of the mystery of the redemption, goes beyond the circle of the recipients of the letter circumscribed by the analogy of marriage? Does it not embrace every man and, in a certain sense, the whole of creation as indicated by the Pauline text on the redemption of the body in Romans (cf. Rom 8:23)? The great sacrament in this sense is a new sacrament of man in Christ and in the Church. It is the sacrament "of man and of the world," just as the creation of man, male and female, in the image of God, was the original sacrament of man and of the world. In this new sacrament of redemption marriage is organically inscribed, just as it was inscribed in the original sacrament of creation.Fulfillment of the kingdom
8. Man, who "from the beginning" is male and female, should seek the meaning of his existence and the meaning of his humanity by reaching out to the mystery of creation through the reality of redemption. There one finds also the essential answer to the question on the significance of the human body, and the significance of the masculinity and femininity of the human person. The union of Christ with the Church permits us to understand in what way the spousal significance of the body is completed with the redemptive significance, and this in the diverse ways of life and in diverse situations. It is not only in marriage or in continency (that is, virginity and celibacy), but also, for example, in the many forms of human suffering, indeed, in the very birth and death of man. By means of the great mystery which the Letter to the Ephesians treats of, by means of the new covenant of Christ with the Church, marriage is again inscribed in that "sacrament of man" which embraces the universe, in the sacrament of man and of the world which, thanks to the forces of the redemption of the body is modeled on the spousal love of Christ for the Church, to the measure of the definitive fulfillment of the kingdom of the Father.Marriage as a sacrament remains a living and vivifying part of this saving process
The Development and Dimensions of Love in Marriage
In the world of existence there is indeed no greater power than the power of love.
INTRODUCTION
To love is a universal human attribute. There exists in man an eternal quest, a quest which is the motivating force impelling man to seek knowledge, to search for truth, to behold beauty, to experience the most, to reach the highest, to create the best, and above all to achieve union with the Beloved. This fundamental quest is the manifestation of the basic, eternal love with which every human being is endowed. Given the central role of love in human relationships, the many attempts to understand love, to explain its nature, to describe its characteristics, and to unravel its mysteries are not surprising. Nevertheless, love remains poorly understood. Many believe that love cannot be explained but only experienced, while others consider love to be merely another human emotion. In this paper, I will attempt to describe love both from an experiential and a phenomenological perspective. The concepts presented are derived from the teachings of the Bahá'í Faith on this issue and from my clinical observations pertaining to love at the individual and marital levels under healthy and pathological conditions in the context of various social and cultural settings. Although the main focus of the presentation is on love in marriage, the concepts presented are also applicable, with some modification, to other types of human love relationships. My main thesis is that love is developmental in its nature and conditional in its quality. The developmental quality of love is self-explanatory. It refers to the fact that a confident, mature love manifests itself differently from an infantile, possessive type of love, or that self-centered love is an indication of an earlier stage of growth than an unconditional love. The conditional aspect of love refers to the fact that human love can be creative or destructive, enlightened or ignorant, universal or limited, and material or spiritual. These diverse, opposite qualities of love are due to the qualities of the object of the person's love. In other words, if the object of human love is beauty, knowledge, or life, love is manifested in its most beautiful, enlightened and creative manner. If the object of the person's love is untruth, cruelty, and materialism, then falsehood and destruction are the outcome. The ultimate aim of this process is the love of God which is the source of human joy and glory:
-24-
If one possesses the love of God, everything that he undertakes is useful, but if the undertaking is without the Love of God, then it is hurtful and the cause of veiling one's self from the Lord of the Kingdom.... With the love of God all sciences are accepted and beloved, but without it, are fruitless; nay, rather the cause of insanity....1
It should be clear that the developmental nature of love and the choice of love object are totally interrelated. In other words, the more mature an individual's love, the more sublime the object of his love will be. Of all the types of love between human beings, love in marriage seems to be the most complicated but potentially the most rewarding. While parent-child, sibling and familial types of love draw their validity and strength from already established biological, psychosocial, and spiritual bonds, the partners in marital love have to establish all these facets of their love from the beginning. Thus, the marital partners, through their own choices, create for themselves immense challenges and opportunities for the development of a unique relationship which can either withstand the vagaries of life or disintegrate in the face of relationship's tests and demands. Love is the main force which brings the husband and wife together in the context of marriage. However, it should be remembered that love and marriage are not synonymous. There have been, and continue to be, marriages in which love is lacking or even completely absent. Conversely there are many situations in which love exists between a man and a woman, but they do not marry. The reasons for these conditions lie in the nature and expression of love, both generally and specifically in the context of marriage. These points will be discussed more fully in the text, however, the reader should be cautioned that the stages and dimensions of love described here are not as rigid or predictable as might be inferred from reading them in outline form. Human beings are creative beings; therefore, love relationships in different couples will be unique according to each couple's qualities and characteristics. The classifications and stages of love presented in this paper are intended to facilitate study of the phenomenon of love and not to relegate it to a rigid and calcified condition.
DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES OF LOVE
Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty.
Unidirectional Love
Love is developmental in nature. Its development is closely related to the process of maturation in the individual and parallels the stages
-25-
of life - birth, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and maturity. At birth, and for some time thereafter, the normal human infant is totally self-centered, while at the same time dependent upon his parents and environment for well-being, growth, and security. Even at this stage of dependence and helplessness, however, the child is endowed with qualities that facilitate the development of love relationships with others. Love at this level is unidirectional. The child receives the love of his parents, grows as a result of this love's nurturing properties, and displays signs of satisfaction, comfort, and enjoyment. At this level, the parent's love is also unidirectional: giving attention, care, and comfort to the child. The parent's love is given with full awareness and consciousness, and the child accepts with total unconditional trust. At this level, unidirectional love is both healthy and essential. Other similar, but not identical circumstances, that call for unidirectional love are severe illness, extreme danger, or serious handicaps. The ultimate manifestation of unidirectional love occurs between God and man. 'Abdu'l-Bahá, in his discourses on love, identifies four kinds of love, two of which (love of God for man and love of man for God) are the best examples of unidirectional love: God giving and man receiving.
...The first is the love that flows from God to man; it consists of the inexhaustible graces, the Divine effulgence and heavenly illumination. Through this love the world of being receives life....This love is the origin of all the love in the world of creation. The second is the love the flows from man to God. This is faith, attraction to the Divine, enkindlement, progress, entrance into the Kingdom of God, receiving the Bounties of God....This love is the origin of all philanthropy....2 Unidirectional love can become quite unhealthy in a relationship between two adults who have equal conditions and opportunities. Examples of this type of love occur quite often in those relationships and cultures in which bestowing love is considered meritorious and receiving love is viewed as a sign of selfishness and/or weakness. Consequently, the giver of such love under these circumstances gives with some degree of resentment and an aura of self- sacrifice, and the recipients of such love often feel manipulated, indebted, and humiliated. The feelings of humiliation are due to the fact that their attempts to reciprocate love are not accepted or valued. In such a relationship, unidirectional love becomes ineffective and arouses feelings of anger, resentment, and mistrust. These conditions are fertile grounds for the development of resentment and anger, which in turn become obstacles to the demonstration of love for the other person. Similar unhealthy conditions exist in marriages in which one partner assumes the role of the giver and the other that of the receiver of love.
Competitive Love
Under healthy conditions, the unidirectional love of infancy and early childhood gives way to the type of love which is most characteristic of late childhood and adolescent stages of human development. This type of love is basically intense, erratic, and often
-26-
irrational. It is characterized by competitive behaviour and an "all or nothing" quality. To adolescents, both giving and receiving love are indications of their worth, ability, capacity, desirability, lovability, and goodness - in short, signs of their identity. Young individuals gradually establish their identity by comparing their own experiences and accomplishments with those of their peers. Love is no exception to this process of comparison. The young lovers show their love by competing with their peers both with respect to giving and receiving love. They feel that they must constantly prove themselves. They tend to demand love in an absolute, exclusive manner. They, and only they, should be loved; they should love one and only one person. This "all or nothing" love is limited in scope, rigid in the way it is shown and extreme in practice, and confused in the nature and type of emotions which it creates in the minds and hearts of the lovers. The love relationship under these circumstances becomes erratic. Competition results in the development of unhealthy extremes in behaviour and demands. An example of such a process is the manner in which a competitive lover tries to prove the extent and depth of his love by showering the other person with gifts beyond his means; by actions obviously injurious to himself and others; and by making demands which are unfruitful if not impossible. At this level, the lovers "love each other to death." Consequently their love, instead of becoming a creative, life engendering force in their relationship, becomes a basically rigid and destructive process. They prove their identity by showing themselves more capable of love than the other person, or as it happens quite frequently, by proving the other person less capable of loving. Furthermore, the erratic nature of competitive love results in insecurity and mistrust. This type of love, although characteristic of the developmental years of childhood and adolescence, can be modified by guidance and support so that the young individuals gradually learn that it is unnecessary to compete in their love relationship and hence gradually develop cooperative love. The phenomenon of falling in love, with its intensity, fervour, and blindness, occurs at all levels of the human love experience, but is usually most dramatic in the competitive stage. A healthy, extremely powerful and constructive version of this is the love manifested in the life of mystics and saints -- a powerful, blinding and intense love, painful and all-consuming. The object of this love is God, and its intensity heralds the beginning stages of the spiritual journey of the human soul. In reality all other types of love, such as love for another individual or love for material things, are but a reflection of this fundamental and all pervasive love. Bahá'u'lláh, in The Seven Valleys, outlining this spiritual journey describes the Valley of Love in this manner: In this city the heaven of ecstacy is upraised and the world illumining sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason. Now is the traveller unaware of himself, and of aught else besides himself. He seeth neither ignorance nor knowledge, neither doubt nor certitude....The steed of this Valley is pain; and if there be no pain this journey will never end. In this station the
Cooperative Love
Gradually, with further maturity, love begins to be manifested in a cooperative manner At this stage which characteristically corresponds to adulthood in the individual, the love relationship becomes a sharing process. The lovers are now more certain of their own identity, more aware of their basic capacities, more assured of their experiences, and less threatened by the possibility of rejection. Furthermore, rejection at this level becomes more tolerable, and the ability to be objective in the evaluation of such circumstances becomes more refined and strong. A sharing relationship is indeed one of the most sought after types of love relationship. Ideally, marriage should take place at this level, or, if it occurs at an earlier stage in the love relationship, should be guided towards this objective. As a consequence of these efforts, the resultant marital relationship is characterized by a strong positive sense of identity for both the husband and the wife, a high capacity for cooperation and sharing, a fundamental belief in the integrity and nobility of each person, and a deep sense of respect for one another. Under such circumstances, love is manifested in a cooperative, assured, calm, and creative manner free from the competition, uncertainty, anxiety, and rigidity of the adolescent stage of development. During all these stages of development - unidirectional love, competitive love, and cooperative love - preoccupation with self steadily decreases. In fact, to the degree that the individual is able to focus his attention, energies, and capacities on others and at the same time maintain a basic sense of self, his strengths, and his positive capacities, he is able to engage in a higher level of love relationship and experience. The cooperative type of love is not only possible in marriage, but also in other forms of relationship, including his relationship with his Creator. Bahá'u'lláh, in many of his utterances, challenges man to establish a higher level of relationship with his Creator. Until now, the relationship between man and God has been likened to that of a parent and child. But Bahá'u'lláh now puts forward a challenge:
Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant.4
With this statement, a new era in the relationship between God and man has begun. Humanity has finally arrived at the stage of adulthood, a stage characterized by sharing. Within the context of marriage, however, love relationships gradually move from the level of cooperation to an unconditional type of love. The husband and wife then relate to one another with such a degree of respect and comfort that the conditions usually imposed in the love relationship become less frequent, less intense, and less necessary At this level, couples are able to broaden the scope of their love to include their children, parents, relatives, friends and eventually all of humanity, while at the same time being able to safeguard completely the
Unconditional Love
Aside from these stages in the development of love, all of which require one-to- one types of relationship, there is a final stage of growth characterized by the capacity for unconditional love. In this stage, the highly matured individual no longer needs constantly to prove his abilities or to establish his identity. His capacity to love becomes unconditional and universal. Unconditional love refers to that process in which the individual loves others because of their inherent nobility, beauty, uniqueness, and his oneness with all other members of the human race. Every human being is created noble in essence, beautiful in countenance, and unique in capacities. Furthermore, all people are like the cells of one body - the body of humanity. In order for the body to survive, there must exist a fundamental unity and harmony on the part of each cell towards all other cells. This unity is a requirement for existence and therefore must take place in an unconditional manner. At the level of human relationships, unity and harmony are manifested in the form of love. Each individual, by virtue of his will and power of decision making, is able to develop both the ability and the will to love others in an unconditional and other-directed (as opposed to self-centered) manner. However, attainment of this state is not an easy task and requires a lifelong, intensive effort on the part of the individual.
Such a love may be likened to sunshine. The sun shines on everything, without any discrimination. However, not everything which is exposed to the rays of the sun is capable of taking advantage of it in the same manner. Under the influence of sunshine both the rosebush and the brambles grow, but each responds according to its nature and the degree of its ability. However, the sun is neither encouraged by one, nor dismayed by the other. Such a level of loving is not easy to acquire and as a prerequisite, the person needs to be fully cognizant of the nobility and spiritual reality of man, the basic goodness of all creation, and the developmental nature of his love. Furthermore, he must be willing to strive fully towards this achievement, a process which requires both constant diligence and the willingness to tolerate the pain of growth. Within the marital relationship, the cooperative and the unconditional types of love are required and essential.
The following words of 'Abdu'l-Bahá set forth the essential aspects of an unconditional love:
When you love a member of your family or a compatriot, let it be with a ray of the Infinite Love....Shed the light of a boundless love on every human being whom you meet, whether of your country, your race, your political party, or of any other nation, colour or shade of political opinion.5
DIMENSIONS OF LOVE IN MARRIAGE
Real love is impossible unless one turn his face towards God and be attracted to His beauty.
SUMMARY
This paper has attempted to show that love is an essential human attribute which matures as the individual matures. Marriage is a natural, extremely effective milieu for the development of love, provided that the husband and wife are aware of the dynamics of the development of love in human relationships and make conscious, enlightened efforts to facilitate the development and refinement of their love. Such a process requires willingness on the part of the husband and wife to assist each other in their attempts at growth, to choose meaningful mutual purpose and direction, to be willing to suffer the pain of love and growth, and to sacrifice, whenever necessary, their material pursuits for spiritual objectives. These lofty and difficult tasks are within the reach of the marital partners if only they combine their love for each other with enlightenment and wisdom and their knowledge of each other with care and compassion.
In the world of existence there is indeed no greater power than the power of love.
INTRODUCTION
To love is a universal human attribute. There exists in man an eternal quest, a quest which is the motivating force impelling man to seek knowledge, to search for truth, to behold beauty, to experience the most, to reach the highest, to create the best, and above all to achieve union with the Beloved. This fundamental quest is the manifestation of the basic, eternal love with which every human being is endowed. Given the central role of love in human relationships, the many attempts to understand love, to explain its nature, to describe its characteristics, and to unravel its mysteries are not surprising. Nevertheless, love remains poorly understood. Many believe that love cannot be explained but only experienced, while others consider love to be merely another human emotion. In this paper, I will attempt to describe love both from an experiential and a phenomenological perspective. The concepts presented are derived from the teachings of the Bahá'í Faith on this issue and from my clinical observations pertaining to love at the individual and marital levels under healthy and pathological conditions in the context of various social and cultural settings. Although the main focus of the presentation is on love in marriage, the concepts presented are also applicable, with some modification, to other types of human love relationships. My main thesis is that love is developmental in its nature and conditional in its quality. The developmental quality of love is self-explanatory. It refers to the fact that a confident, mature love manifests itself differently from an infantile, possessive type of love, or that self-centered love is an indication of an earlier stage of growth than an unconditional love. The conditional aspect of love refers to the fact that human love can be creative or destructive, enlightened or ignorant, universal or limited, and material or spiritual. These diverse, opposite qualities of love are due to the qualities of the object of the person's love. In other words, if the object of human love is beauty, knowledge, or life, love is manifested in its most beautiful, enlightened and creative manner. If the object of the person's love is untruth, cruelty, and materialism, then falsehood and destruction are the outcome. The ultimate aim of this process is the love of God which is the source of human joy and glory:
-24-
If one possesses the love of God, everything that he undertakes is useful, but if the undertaking is without the Love of God, then it is hurtful and the cause of veiling one's self from the Lord of the Kingdom.... With the love of God all sciences are accepted and beloved, but without it, are fruitless; nay, rather the cause of insanity....1
It should be clear that the developmental nature of love and the choice of love object are totally interrelated. In other words, the more mature an individual's love, the more sublime the object of his love will be. Of all the types of love between human beings, love in marriage seems to be the most complicated but potentially the most rewarding. While parent-child, sibling and familial types of love draw their validity and strength from already established biological, psychosocial, and spiritual bonds, the partners in marital love have to establish all these facets of their love from the beginning. Thus, the marital partners, through their own choices, create for themselves immense challenges and opportunities for the development of a unique relationship which can either withstand the vagaries of life or disintegrate in the face of relationship's tests and demands. Love is the main force which brings the husband and wife together in the context of marriage. However, it should be remembered that love and marriage are not synonymous. There have been, and continue to be, marriages in which love is lacking or even completely absent. Conversely there are many situations in which love exists between a man and a woman, but they do not marry. The reasons for these conditions lie in the nature and expression of love, both generally and specifically in the context of marriage. These points will be discussed more fully in the text, however, the reader should be cautioned that the stages and dimensions of love described here are not as rigid or predictable as might be inferred from reading them in outline form. Human beings are creative beings; therefore, love relationships in different couples will be unique according to each couple's qualities and characteristics. The classifications and stages of love presented in this paper are intended to facilitate study of the phenomenon of love and not to relegate it to a rigid and calcified condition.
DEVELOPMENTAL STAGES OF LOVE
Veiled in My immemorial being and in the ancient eternity of My essence, I knew My love for thee; therefore I created thee, have engraved on thee Mine image and revealed to thee My beauty.
Unidirectional Love
Love is developmental in nature. Its development is closely related to the process of maturation in the individual and parallels the stages
-25-
of life - birth, childhood, adolescence, adulthood, and maturity. At birth, and for some time thereafter, the normal human infant is totally self-centered, while at the same time dependent upon his parents and environment for well-being, growth, and security. Even at this stage of dependence and helplessness, however, the child is endowed with qualities that facilitate the development of love relationships with others. Love at this level is unidirectional. The child receives the love of his parents, grows as a result of this love's nurturing properties, and displays signs of satisfaction, comfort, and enjoyment. At this level, the parent's love is also unidirectional: giving attention, care, and comfort to the child. The parent's love is given with full awareness and consciousness, and the child accepts with total unconditional trust. At this level, unidirectional love is both healthy and essential. Other similar, but not identical circumstances, that call for unidirectional love are severe illness, extreme danger, or serious handicaps. The ultimate manifestation of unidirectional love occurs between God and man. 'Abdu'l-Bahá, in his discourses on love, identifies four kinds of love, two of which (love of God for man and love of man for God) are the best examples of unidirectional love: God giving and man receiving.
...The first is the love that flows from God to man; it consists of the inexhaustible graces, the Divine effulgence and heavenly illumination. Through this love the world of being receives life....This love is the origin of all the love in the world of creation. The second is the love the flows from man to God. This is faith, attraction to the Divine, enkindlement, progress, entrance into the Kingdom of God, receiving the Bounties of God....This love is the origin of all philanthropy....2 Unidirectional love can become quite unhealthy in a relationship between two adults who have equal conditions and opportunities. Examples of this type of love occur quite often in those relationships and cultures in which bestowing love is considered meritorious and receiving love is viewed as a sign of selfishness and/or weakness. Consequently, the giver of such love under these circumstances gives with some degree of resentment and an aura of self- sacrifice, and the recipients of such love often feel manipulated, indebted, and humiliated. The feelings of humiliation are due to the fact that their attempts to reciprocate love are not accepted or valued. In such a relationship, unidirectional love becomes ineffective and arouses feelings of anger, resentment, and mistrust. These conditions are fertile grounds for the development of resentment and anger, which in turn become obstacles to the demonstration of love for the other person. Similar unhealthy conditions exist in marriages in which one partner assumes the role of the giver and the other that of the receiver of love.
Competitive Love
Under healthy conditions, the unidirectional love of infancy and early childhood gives way to the type of love which is most characteristic of late childhood and adolescent stages of human development. This type of love is basically intense, erratic, and often
-26-
irrational. It is characterized by competitive behaviour and an "all or nothing" quality. To adolescents, both giving and receiving love are indications of their worth, ability, capacity, desirability, lovability, and goodness - in short, signs of their identity. Young individuals gradually establish their identity by comparing their own experiences and accomplishments with those of their peers. Love is no exception to this process of comparison. The young lovers show their love by competing with their peers both with respect to giving and receiving love. They feel that they must constantly prove themselves. They tend to demand love in an absolute, exclusive manner. They, and only they, should be loved; they should love one and only one person. This "all or nothing" love is limited in scope, rigid in the way it is shown and extreme in practice, and confused in the nature and type of emotions which it creates in the minds and hearts of the lovers. The love relationship under these circumstances becomes erratic. Competition results in the development of unhealthy extremes in behaviour and demands. An example of such a process is the manner in which a competitive lover tries to prove the extent and depth of his love by showering the other person with gifts beyond his means; by actions obviously injurious to himself and others; and by making demands which are unfruitful if not impossible. At this level, the lovers "love each other to death." Consequently their love, instead of becoming a creative, life engendering force in their relationship, becomes a basically rigid and destructive process. They prove their identity by showing themselves more capable of love than the other person, or as it happens quite frequently, by proving the other person less capable of loving. Furthermore, the erratic nature of competitive love results in insecurity and mistrust. This type of love, although characteristic of the developmental years of childhood and adolescence, can be modified by guidance and support so that the young individuals gradually learn that it is unnecessary to compete in their love relationship and hence gradually develop cooperative love. The phenomenon of falling in love, with its intensity, fervour, and blindness, occurs at all levels of the human love experience, but is usually most dramatic in the competitive stage. A healthy, extremely powerful and constructive version of this is the love manifested in the life of mystics and saints -- a powerful, blinding and intense love, painful and all-consuming. The object of this love is God, and its intensity heralds the beginning stages of the spiritual journey of the human soul. In reality all other types of love, such as love for another individual or love for material things, are but a reflection of this fundamental and all pervasive love. Bahá'u'lláh, in The Seven Valleys, outlining this spiritual journey describes the Valley of Love in this manner: In this city the heaven of ecstacy is upraised and the world illumining sun of yearning shineth, and the fire of love is ablaze; and when the fire of love is ablaze, it burneth to ashes the harvest of reason. Now is the traveller unaware of himself, and of aught else besides himself. He seeth neither ignorance nor knowledge, neither doubt nor certitude....The steed of this Valley is pain; and if there be no pain this journey will never end. In this station the
Cooperative Love
Gradually, with further maturity, love begins to be manifested in a cooperative manner At this stage which characteristically corresponds to adulthood in the individual, the love relationship becomes a sharing process. The lovers are now more certain of their own identity, more aware of their basic capacities, more assured of their experiences, and less threatened by the possibility of rejection. Furthermore, rejection at this level becomes more tolerable, and the ability to be objective in the evaluation of such circumstances becomes more refined and strong. A sharing relationship is indeed one of the most sought after types of love relationship. Ideally, marriage should take place at this level, or, if it occurs at an earlier stage in the love relationship, should be guided towards this objective. As a consequence of these efforts, the resultant marital relationship is characterized by a strong positive sense of identity for both the husband and the wife, a high capacity for cooperation and sharing, a fundamental belief in the integrity and nobility of each person, and a deep sense of respect for one another. Under such circumstances, love is manifested in a cooperative, assured, calm, and creative manner free from the competition, uncertainty, anxiety, and rigidity of the adolescent stage of development. During all these stages of development - unidirectional love, competitive love, and cooperative love - preoccupation with self steadily decreases. In fact, to the degree that the individual is able to focus his attention, energies, and capacities on others and at the same time maintain a basic sense of self, his strengths, and his positive capacities, he is able to engage in a higher level of love relationship and experience. The cooperative type of love is not only possible in marriage, but also in other forms of relationship, including his relationship with his Creator. Bahá'u'lláh, in many of his utterances, challenges man to establish a higher level of relationship with his Creator. Until now, the relationship between man and God has been likened to that of a parent and child. But Bahá'u'lláh now puts forward a challenge:
Love Me, that I may love thee. If thou lovest Me not, My love can in no wise reach thee. Know this, O servant.4
With this statement, a new era in the relationship between God and man has begun. Humanity has finally arrived at the stage of adulthood, a stage characterized by sharing. Within the context of marriage, however, love relationships gradually move from the level of cooperation to an unconditional type of love. The husband and wife then relate to one another with such a degree of respect and comfort that the conditions usually imposed in the love relationship become less frequent, less intense, and less necessary At this level, couples are able to broaden the scope of their love to include their children, parents, relatives, friends and eventually all of humanity, while at the same time being able to safeguard completely the
Unconditional Love
Aside from these stages in the development of love, all of which require one-to- one types of relationship, there is a final stage of growth characterized by the capacity for unconditional love. In this stage, the highly matured individual no longer needs constantly to prove his abilities or to establish his identity. His capacity to love becomes unconditional and universal. Unconditional love refers to that process in which the individual loves others because of their inherent nobility, beauty, uniqueness, and his oneness with all other members of the human race. Every human being is created noble in essence, beautiful in countenance, and unique in capacities. Furthermore, all people are like the cells of one body - the body of humanity. In order for the body to survive, there must exist a fundamental unity and harmony on the part of each cell towards all other cells. This unity is a requirement for existence and therefore must take place in an unconditional manner. At the level of human relationships, unity and harmony are manifested in the form of love. Each individual, by virtue of his will and power of decision making, is able to develop both the ability and the will to love others in an unconditional and other-directed (as opposed to self-centered) manner. However, attainment of this state is not an easy task and requires a lifelong, intensive effort on the part of the individual.
Such a love may be likened to sunshine. The sun shines on everything, without any discrimination. However, not everything which is exposed to the rays of the sun is capable of taking advantage of it in the same manner. Under the influence of sunshine both the rosebush and the brambles grow, but each responds according to its nature and the degree of its ability. However, the sun is neither encouraged by one, nor dismayed by the other. Such a level of loving is not easy to acquire and as a prerequisite, the person needs to be fully cognizant of the nobility and spiritual reality of man, the basic goodness of all creation, and the developmental nature of his love. Furthermore, he must be willing to strive fully towards this achievement, a process which requires both constant diligence and the willingness to tolerate the pain of growth. Within the marital relationship, the cooperative and the unconditional types of love are required and essential.
The following words of 'Abdu'l-Bahá set forth the essential aspects of an unconditional love:
When you love a member of your family or a compatriot, let it be with a ray of the Infinite Love....Shed the light of a boundless love on every human being whom you meet, whether of your country, your race, your political party, or of any other nation, colour or shade of political opinion.5
DIMENSIONS OF LOVE IN MARRIAGE
Real love is impossible unless one turn his face towards God and be attracted to His beauty.
SUMMARY
This paper has attempted to show that love is an essential human attribute which matures as the individual matures. Marriage is a natural, extremely effective milieu for the development of love, provided that the husband and wife are aware of the dynamics of the development of love in human relationships and make conscious, enlightened efforts to facilitate the development and refinement of their love. Such a process requires willingness on the part of the husband and wife to assist each other in their attempts at growth, to choose meaningful mutual purpose and direction, to be willing to suffer the pain of love and growth, and to sacrifice, whenever necessary, their material pursuits for spiritual objectives. These lofty and difficult tasks are within the reach of the marital partners if only they combine their love for each other with enlightenment and wisdom and their knowledge of each other with care and compassion.
